In the newspaper racket, there are certain staples when it comes to feature headlines. There’s “Grin and bear it” for anything remotely related to bears or smiles. And anything with “days” can be modified to include “daze,” thus throwing a frivolous pun into the mix. We’re just waiting for the day when someone organizes a festival called “Smilin’ Bear Days.” Spring, referring to the season, is another one of those staple subjects. Examples include “Spring into spring,” “Springing forward” and “Darn mattress spring tore my pants,” which was used only once to mixed reactions. The most common, however, would be “Spring cleaning,” which, by way of a roundabout introduction, is this week’s theme. Here’s what your Mountain Times staff thinks about spring cleaning:

Frank Ruggiero: A Case of Spring Fever

Spring cleaning is pretty low on my totem pole of priorities. In fact, a totem pole of priorities sounds like a rather terrifying concept, so let’s just say I’m not to keen on spring cleaning. Winter dirtying is more of my cup, and provided the cup is washed soon enough to prevent mystery buildup, then OK.

“No springs!”

See, when I think of spring, I’m always reminded of the cult TV program Mystery Science Theater 3000, in which generally awful movies are heckled and riffed upon by three captive audience members. One such film included a 1940 short, called “A Case of Spring Fever.” The premise involves a man, who, after a sofa repair gone awry, angrily wishes that springs never existed. While anyone else would chalk that up to the ordinary frustration that accompanies a failed repair, this isn’t the case with Coily, an animated spring sprite whose sole purpose is to make good on hasty wishes. Coily is a spring with the head of a demon, and he appears whenever the burden of a spring-less society falls heavy on the man’s shoulders, always reminding him with a high-pitched taunt, “No springs!” He then giggles and vanishes with a “boing” noise.

It is only after realizing that he cannot tell time, open doors or start a car without springs that the man acknowledges the spring for what it truly is: the cornerstone of society (“Case of Spring Fever, A.” New York: Jam Handy Organization, 1940). I won’t ruin the ending, even though it somehow manages to ruin itself, but I will say that Coily is full of surprises. Here’s hoping your spring is full of surprises, as well.

Jeff Eason: Grocery Bag Round-Up

For spring cleaning this year, I suggest everyone in the High Country take a walk around their neighborhoods and pick up as many stray plastic grocery bags as they can find. It was a particularly windy winter this year, and those ugly plastic suckers are everywhere! In the trees, by the side of the road, stuck on blackberry brambles, everywhere!

Stray plastic bags deter turtles from purchasing second homes in the High Country.

Seriously folks, we need to clean up this problem before the tourists get back. You can’t always depend on work-release prisoners in orange jumpsuits to clean up after our messes. I drove down to Triplett last weekend and was amazed at the amount of garbage that had built up on the side of the road in just a few months. It’s that way all over the county and it really looks trashy.

Thanks for reading, now get out there and pick up some trash!

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Scott Nicholson: Comfort Paper

II’m currently in the throes of spring cleaning – from 2005.

Scott’s in the throes of spring cleaning — from 2005.

I’ve never been OCD about cleanliness, and though I prefer a clear path from the door to my writing desk, I always have a few piles of loose paper around to make me feel comfortable. Cleaning has proven to be counterproductive, as I inevitably uncover old ideas, unfinished business or pleasant distractions that are far more engaging than chasing dust bunnies.

Plus, as the dad of an 8-year-old, I’m following the time-tested strategy of harnessing the creative energy that ensues from those delighted with life. I’ll simply wait until she goes off to college and then clean up after her, though I suppose all the coloring on the wall, acrylic paint on the floor and scribbled bits of paper will by then be dear treasures. I’m a Cancer, so give me a comfortable den, or even a museum to happy memories, over the boring, pristine temples to consumerism and cleaning products espoused in “Better Homes & Gardens.” I don’t want to visit anywhere, much less live in, a place where you’re afraid to move those little arm-flaps on the couch or actually throw a throw pillow.

Besides, if you wait long enough, spring turns into summer

Caroline Monday: Coffee Table of the Titans

This year, spring cleaning for me means getting rid of as much stuff as possible. My tiny one-bedroom apartment is bursting at the seams, and I am determined to de-clutter.

Seldom do coffee tables fit in an overhead compartment. Caroline’s is no exception, as it can’t even fit on most airplanes.

In addition to my desire to rid my life of clutter, I have a separate motivation for dispersing my earthly goods to those who need them more than I do: I’m moving to China! I will be living in China for a year to teach English, starting in August.

The saying “You can’t take it with you” usually refers to the afterlife, but I have found that it applies to China, as well. As much as I love my humongous, solid walnut coffee table, it will not fit in an overhead compartment and thus must be left behind, either in storage or in a new home.

All moves make one wonder, “Why do I have all this stuff and where did it come from in the first place?” Such a big move magnifies that query, forcing me to get real about what I actually need and what I actually use.

Sure, that blue metallic ’80s prom dress came in handy during college, but will I actually ever wear it again? Will I ever get around to reading “Crime and Punishment?” How many throw pillows does one person need?

These are some of life’s tough questions, indeed.

On the up side, it feels good to let go sometimes. Our possessions weigh us down, limiting our mobility. Moving to China takes a lot of mobility.

So, does anyone want to buy a very large coffee table?