Let’s get down to business. The Boone Area Chamber of Commerce recently held its annual awards luncheon, which got your Mountain Times staff to thinking. Boone has a diverse business community, filling almost every niche conceivable, and the number of names prefixed with “High Country,” “Blue Ridge” and “Mountain” is simply astounding. And while sometimes we astound ourselves, surely not every business conceivable has yet to receive a mountain-related moniker. After we concluded our thinking and packed our caps, your Mountain Times staff resolved to think some more and consider what sort of new businesses we’d like to see.


Cara Kelly: Stay on Target

 

Reasonably enough, the Target dog avoids archery ranges at all costs.

As a young transplant from a larger cosmopolitan area, I would advocate almost any new business venture in Boone. Although fewer boutiques and restaurants have kept my temptation to spend money in control, shopping for an outfit for a specific event proves incredibly challenging with only a couple options.

I was always highly disappointed when a special occasion requiring a new dress would arise, and I was forced to either spend an excessive amount of money on a designer garment from a boutique in Blowing Rock or pray for a lucky find at the outlets. Yet, the one store that I truly miss on a regular basis is, embarrassingly enough, Target.

Although there have been rumors of the potential construction of a new Target since I was a freshman at ASU, the fictitious hypotheses have remained unsubstantiated. I have turned my ritualistic visit to Target on each of my return visits home into something of a pilgrimage, searching for those rare, bargain finds on products that are far superior to that of Sam Walton’s brainchild. I can only hope that we will see bulls-eyes in Boone in the future.

Bill Greene: Waterslide!

Everybody always vacations in Boone because of the naturally cool climate, and wonderful views. It seems like

Waterslide or a haphazardly designed septic system? Bill would prefer the former.

every year around the end of May, we see the long caravan of Floridians as they methodically make their way to our part of the world in search of relief from the hot, sticky atmosphere they are subjected to. Well, as a young boy, the heat wasn’t really a factor. I thought that it was kind of silly, and that there really must be some other reason for the annual migration. Maybe they just felt comfort in being nestled away in the bosom of our little corner of Mother Earth, or maybe they heard of the shell stations three hotdogs for a dollar deal. These were the most logical reasons to a young feller, but I dared not ask.

Cut to the present, and find the 43 year old with a different attitude. It could be global warming, misplaced hot flashes, or a core metabolism that is not working quite as it should. Either way, these days it’s not uncommon to see me hugging a box fan like an old, lost friend. That’s why I would like to see someone open a water park complete with the “Big Kahuna” ride that would send you wooshing down a half pipe, near panic, and contorted into a fetal position. Even though reaching for the sky, and breaking into a fist pump upon a triumphant splash at the end may make you feel like a returning warrior, there simply isn’t any disguising the home video camera re-play that shows you screaming like a little girl. For me, I would gladly accept the laughter and finger pointing as long as I could scamper up the stairs for as many runs as I could get in on a hot day. There are quite a few locations that would be great for a water slide, and even though I know the season is kind of short, I bet it would be a huge hit. Who knows, maybe it could double as a luge-like ride when the snow flies.

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Jeff Eason: Stripping for Fun and Profit

Whenever the radical idea comes up of Boone approving liquor by the drink, someone always raises the concern that if Boone joins the majority of the civilized world in this regard, the next logical step is that we will acquire strip clubs.

Jeff’s strip club would feature traditional favorites, including the classic “fan dance.”

But is that such a bad thing, really? If we do somehow stumble off the righteous path and nudie bars come to Boone, we’re going to need someone to run them properly. That’s where I come in. You see, I have experience as both a bartender and a disc jockey, two of the three professions that make up the trinity of strip club engineering (we’ll probably also need a bouncer, but I’m talking about the brains of the operation here). I’ve already got my D.J. name: M.C. Escher, taken after one of my favorite 20th century artists, that crazy staircase guy.

If you’ve ever been to a strip club (I’ve been to about three in my entire life), you know there are good ones and not-so-good ones. Lighting is critical. You can’t just throw a spotlight on a mirrored disco ball and call it a day. You need a lightshow that falls somewhere in between Christmas at the mall and a Pink Floyd concert. If lighting is critical, music is life or death for a strip club. You can’t expect Chiffon and Chardonnay to properly bump and grind to bad music. You need something tasteful yet funky, like the Brothers Johnson’s “Strawberry Letter #23.” Whatever you do, avoid bluegrass. There’s nothing quite like a fast mandolin solo to make the girls rush through what should be a moment to savor.

So the next time you hear of a bachelor party that has to commute to Hickory or Johnson City to enjoy the time-honored tradition of stripping, think of all the gas money they could’ve saved if they’d gone to a strip club in Boone. That’s a lot of one-dollar bills.

Scott Nicholson: Raising the Salad Bar

I’m not much of a consumer, which is good because I’ve also proven not to be much of a producer, at least

A bottomless salad trough would be most welcome.

where loose coin is concerned. I have to be dragged kicking and screaming into shopping, and most of my clothes are things I wore in college or were given to me as presents by worried relatives. I occasionally browse thrift shops but I am cautious about adding clutter to my life – all that is carried into the house must one day be carried out, and it’s not fair to leave a bunch of junk behind after I’m deceased.

My simple business needs are mostly met right now—coffee shops, bookstores, office supplies, gardening accessories. And there’s always Big Lots for those bizarre items like Speedo Sports Water and Jug O’ Gel. About the only thing I would wish for is a really diverse salad bar, with 50 fresh items and chock full of weird olives, artichokes, pickled okra, asparagus, and Romaine lettuce. Fewer soggy bean salads and more crunchy pine nuts. And red raspberries. Is it lunch time yet?