Pink Elephants on Parade
Larry Craig Restroom Fiasco the
Latest Republican Sex Scandal

I think I’ve finally figured out why “family values” conservative Republicans in Washington don’t like gay people. It’s because the ones they’ve been dealing with in positions of power are, for lack of a better adjective, creepy.

In case you haven’t heard, the latest such incident involves Idaho senator Larry Craig who may or may not step down from the Senate due to being arrested for lewd contact in a men’s restroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport on June 11, 2007. He later pleaded guilty to a lesser charge of disorderly conduct in August.

“Turn to the right.” Idaho senator Larry Craig’s mugshot after being arrested in a Minneapolis airport for trying to solicit sex from an undercover police officer in the men’s room.

Evangelist Ted Haggard as seen in the movie Jesus Camp in 2005. The next year he would resign as head of the New Life Church following allegations of drug abuse and frequenting a male prostitute.

According to the arrest report, an undercover police officer sitting in a bathroom stall (talk about your short straw stakeouts) observed Craig lingering outside and frequently peeking through the crack of the door. Craig then entered the stall to the left of the officer’s and “at 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd contact. Craig tapped his toes several times and moved his foot closer to my foot. The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area. Craig proceeded to swipe his left hand under the stall divider several times, with the palm of his hand facing upward.”

Police in Minnesota call this technique of meeting other men in public restrooms for sex “cottaging.” Despite that quaint Martha Stewart Living-style name, I think I speak for most Americans when I say “eeeewwwww.”

Of course, those Americans who are Republicans in the Senate have gone even further, demanding that Craig resign from the Senate seat he has held for the past 16 years. Most telling in their vigorous attempts to oust Craig is that he is from a decidedly red state and any republican replacing him would probably have no problem hanging onto the seat in the 2008 election.

Craig’s men’s room mishap occurred at a particularly bad time for “family values” Republicans. Last November conservative evangelist and Bush administration ally Ted Haggard stepped down as pastor of the New Life Church in Colorado Springs after allegations of gay sex and drug abuse were made by Mike Jones, a former male prostitute. Haggard, whom The Wall Street Journal called “the head of the 30-million strong National Association of Evangelicals,” allegedly had purchased crystal methamphetamine because Jones had told him it would enhance their motel trysts—meetings they had over a three-year span.

Haggard, who can be seen in the documentary film Jesus Camp telling children that homosexuality is against the bible’s word, resigned from his position at New Life Church and confessed, “I am guilty of sexual immorality…I am a deceiver and a liar.”

Literally one month before the Haggard scandal broke, Republicans were trying to distance themselves from Mark Foley’s resignation. This six-term republican congressman from Florida, in case you forgot, left his job after it was disclosed that he had sent “suggestive emails and sexually explicit instant messages to teenaged boys who had formerly served and were at that time serving as Congressional pages.”

And don’t forget about Bob Allen, a member of the Florida House of Representatives and state chairman of John McCain’s presidential campaign. Two months ago he was arrested for offering an undercover cop $20 to allow Allen to give the man oral sex in a public park restroom. Allen had been one of 21 Florida legislators to sign Gov. Jeb Bush’s friend-of-the-court brief supporting the state’s ban on gays adopting children.

So what the heck is going on? We’ve got gay Republicans cheating on their wives. Gay Republicans soliciting sex in public restrooms. Gay Republicans using crystal meth with male prostitutes. Gay Republicans chasing teenage congressional pages around the office. Doesn’t the G.O.P. know any nice gay people?

It’s almost as if there’s a conservative Republican conspiracy to make gay people look as lecherous, crazy and irresponsible as possible. Which, in a disturbing way, almost makes sense considering how hard some of these same people have been trying to prevent the legalization of gay marriage and other partner rights acts in America.

Sadly, there is also an element of self-loathing in these recurring Republican scandals. Although I have yet to figure out if these men hate themselves because they can’t come to grips with their own sexuality or if they hate themselves for signing on with a political party that hates people like them.