Benchwarmers Leaves This
Viewer Cold
Little League Movie a Bush League Comedy

If I am out of touch with the majority of the movie-going public who find Adam Sandler to be a talented, hilarious comedic actor (and I am), I am even more clueless when it comes to the sudden rise of actor Jon Heder. I found the cult hit Napoleon Dynamite to be mildly amusing in a stupid sort of way while many of my contemporaries labeled it “fresh,” “original” and “an instant classic.”

No hits, no runs, plenty of errors. David Spade, Jon Heder and Rob Schneider star in the lackluster Little League comedy The Benchwarmers.

There are now whole sections of stores dedicated to Napoleon Dynamite action figures, lunch boxes, posters and other movie-related paraphernalia. And I’ll be the first to admit that I just don’t get it.

Ditto for the new movie (I hesitate to use the word “comedy”) The Benchwarmers. I heard people in the movie theatre laughing during the film but I can’t say for certain what they were laughing at.

It could have been Heder reprising his Napoleon Dynamite character as Clark, the gangly man-boy moron who still lives with his mother and delivers newspapers for a living. Or it might have been snarky video store clerk Richie, a role in which David Spade plays the only character he is capable of…the nasty little jerk with a soft spot in his heart for pretty ladies fifteen years his junior. Or it might have been Gus (Rob Schneider), the landscape worker who is ignoring his wife to pursue his dream of reliving his glory days in Little League.

The Benchwarmers is this year’s Kicking and Screaming, and by that I mean a really poor sports-themed comedy starring Saturday Night Live alumni. If you are a fan of fart jokes, nose-picking jokes, poo-throwing jokes, and middle-aged men who refuse to grow up, then you might find a few entertaining moments in this film…otherwise steer clear of this stinker.

As for the flimsy plot of The Benchwarmers, Gus recruits Clark and Richie to help him teach the young local bullies a lesson in humility by playing them in baseball. Clark and Richie have no ball-playing skills whatsoever, but thanks to Gus’ ability to hit 12-year-old pitchers out of the park and brush them back with his adult fastball, the three men are able to defeat teams made of pre-pubescent boys.

Enter Mel (Jon Lovitz), the mysterious billionaire whose son Nelson has been picked on by most of the bullies in the area. Mel arranges a baseball tournament to decide who will control the new state-of-the-art Little League stadium he is building. Why, you may ask, is he building a stadium and then putting its future up for grabs? Why are Richie and Clark former high school friends when Heder is 28 and Spade is in his forties? Those are some of the many unanswerable lapses in logic in The Benchwarmers, and truth be told, it is best not to ponder too long on any one of the many holes in the nearly nonexistent plot.

After about 80 minutes of fart jokes and stupidity on the baseball diamond, director Dennis Dugan tries to slap a couple of important life lessons onto the film to make it seem poignant. “Baseball should be fun.” “Be nice to midgets.” “Bullies are people too.” Puh-leeze. These life lessons would seem more sincere had they not been preceded by so many product placements (Pepsi and Pizza Hut should be happy) and mindless celebrity cameos. Reggie Jackson, ESPN’s Dan Patrick, Tim Meadows and Craig Kilborn show up…but to a man look positively embarrassed to be part of this movie.

In a comedy that tries to say something positive about good sportsmanship, I can’t believe that producers would hire ex-NFL goon Bill Romanowski to play a part—even if it is the role of one of the overzealous Little League coaches. Romanowski was a poster boy for steroid abuse (he’s admitted as much), his family’s tyrannical dictator (he’s admitted as much), and tried to injure opposing players on every single down. Carolina Panthers fans will remember him breaking quarterback Kerry Collins’ jaw with a very late hit in a preseason game. Romanowski is probably most famous, however, for destroying the career of one of his own teammates. In a preseason practice session in August 2003, Romo went crazy and repeatedly punched teammate Marcus Williams, crushing his orbital bone and thereby ending his career. Williams sued for millions of dollars and settled for $415,000 from Romanowski, much of which was raised by the football player’s “tell-all” autobiography Romo.

Why director Dugan and the producers of The Benchwarmers would want the stink of Romonowski anywhere near a set filled with 12-year-olds trying to tell a tale about sportsmanship is beyond anyone’s guess.

The Benchwarmers is rated PG-13 for crude and suggestive humor, and for language and is currently playing at Regal Cinemas in Boone.