News of the Weird

Compiled and Ridiculed by Joel Frady

Obama dodged Ditka bullet

Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has risen to the top of his political party, but his move from the state to the federal level could've been blocked - by former Chicago Bears tight end and Super Bowl-winning coach Mike Ditka.

In the summer of 2004, Obama was still an Illinois state senator who had won the Democratic nomination for the U.S. Senate.

The Republican nominee, Jack Ryan (not the Jack Ryan), had withdrawn from the race, and republican leaders approached Ditka to see if he would run against Obama.

"I don't know what would have happened if I had run," Ditka said. "I really don't. Could I have beaten him? Maybe. Maybe not."

It wasn't the first time that Ditka could have had a giant impact on Obama's life, either. The politician said that he almost went bankrupt in 1985 when he almost bet his fortune on the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XX - a team defeated 46-10 by Ditka's Bears.

Judge rules 'no lawsuits against God'

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers decided in 2007 that God had finally gone too far, so he attempted to obtain a permanent injunction to prevent the Almighty from committing violent acts, like floods and tornadoes.

The suit was tossed out by Douglas County District Court Judge Marlon Polk, who told Chambers that it was impossible to serve papers to God.

Since he doesn't have an address or a phone number, the process of locating God could take years.

Chambers said that he had filed the suit to prove that everyone has the right to sue.

"Nobody should stand at the courthouse door to predetermine who has access to the courts," he said.

"My point is that anyone can sue anyone else, even God."

Chambers later pushed the point even further when he filed suit against The Devil to prevent the Dark Lord from telling him to do "naughty things."

Woman shoots husband - at his request

The Arapahoe County Sheriff's Office in Centennial, Colo., announced that they were unable to press charges against a 35-year-old woman who shot her husband in the knee.

The woman has accused her husband of being drunk and getting aggressive during an argument.

The husband had picked up a gun, but she gained control of the weapon and he told her to shoot him.

Authorities said that the 34-year-old man didn't cooperate with police on the scene.

He was eventually arrested and charged with felony menacing, third-degree assault and false imprisonment for holding the gun to his wife's head.

The woman told authorities that she didn't think she had the willpower to pull the trigger at first, but once he begged her to shoot him she realized that he "presented an offer she could not refuse."

Pa. man eats 15-pound burger

In four hours and 39 minutes, Brad Sciullo ascended from a common man to a legend at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub. Over that time span, Sciullo ate a burger loaded with 15 pounds of beef and toppings like tomatoes, cheese, lettuce, relish, mayonnaise, ketchup and mustard. All items considered, the burger topped 20 pounds.

But Sciullo, who stands at 5'11" and only weighs 180 pounds, said that he ate the burger "to see if he could." Diners have a five-hour time limit in which to eat the burger, and Scuillo said that it didn't start to get really hard until the three-hour mark.

Sciullo was awarded $400 and three t-shirts for his accomplishment by the restaurant, and was later awarded with an increased premium by his health insurance provider.