Prince Hamlet Addresses Stimulus Package

By Henry Doss

In a little-noticed speech recently in Congress, US Representative Prince Hamlet - a little-known, morose, melancholy two-term Independent, rose to address the issue of "stimulus." Following is the unedited text of Hamlet's remarks:

To stimulus or not to stimulus, that is question;
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous polling,
Or take to hire political consultants against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, McCain-Feingold them.
To filibuster; to recess; No more;
And by a recess to say we end
The posturing and the thousand pointless dead ends
That Congress is heir to -
'tis a bill signing Devoutly to be wish'd,
To lose re-election, to retire from office;
To retire, perchance to lobby.
Ay, there's the ethics restraint.
For in that lobbying of retirement what cash may come,
When we have shuffled off this corrupt Hill,
Must give us second career.
There's the shame
That makes a disaster of so short a Congressional term.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of Party Leaders,
Th' Minority Whip's wrong, the Executive's contumely,
The pangs of despised Earmarks, the Committee's delay,
The insolence of Perks, and the off-the-cuff profanities,
That working with you Yahoos takes,
When the President himself might his morning exercise make
With a lessened legislative burden?
Who would carry an extra committee assignment,
To whine and pout under a weary vote.
But that the dread of something after Congress,
The undiscovered "real America" from whose mythic bourn
No elected official returns, puzzles the mind
And makes us rather bear the nonsense we have in Washington
Than get a real job back home?
Thus conscience does make cowards of as all,
And thus the majority whiteness of our skin
Is sicklied o'er with the brown cast of immigration woes.
And the question of stimulus and economic recovery
With this legislation, our tax dollars turn awry,
And lose any possibility of making the least bit of difference.
Immediately following Prince Hamlet's remarks, a flurry of comments and reactions erupted.
Minority Leader John Boehner grumbled: "Prince Hamlet clearly doesn't understand the importance of tax breaks. He is just another spend, spend, spend Dane, and clearly not from the 'real America.' I strongly object to Hamlet's contumely - whatever that means."
Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi prattled: "Prince Hamlet clearly doesn't understand the importance of spending. He's just another Reaganite supply-sider, and clearly doesn't understand the 'real America.' I strongly object to Hamlet's contumely - whatever that means."
Representative Barney Frank released this statement: "What the . . ."
Minority Whip Eric Cantor, looking puzzled, said simply: "Tax cuts? Did I mention tax cuts?"
We contacted Prince Hamlet's office for clarification of his remarks and Hamlet himself offered this final comment:
O, I quit, Speaker
The potent poison in Washington quite o'er-crows my spirit;
I cannot live to hear the news from Committee;
But I do prophesy the election lights
On no one; filibuster has my dying voice;
So tell him, with the caucusing, more and less,
Which have roll called. The rest is gridlock.

Several impartial observers have opined that Hamlet has spoken more clearly and directly on the issue of economic stimulus than any other person in Washington.