Compiled and Ridiculed by Joel Frady

Books and Booze
A man who broke into a bar to steal beer was easily tracked down last week after leaving an identifying item at the scene: his library card. Police in Sheboygan, Wis., said that 34-year-old Kristopher Lehnhardt used the card in an attempt to unlock the tavern door. A bartender called police the following morning after finding lights on, a cooler open and a basement window screen slashed. More than four cases of beer were missing.

Lehnhardt has been charged with theft and property damage, but police feel the man is guilty of old-fashioned nincompoopery as well.

"Maybe if he had used the card for the appropriate reason," one officer said, "he would have known how to at least make us work for the arrest."

Prison break-in
Authorities in Woodbine, Ga., were looking for escaped prison inmate Harry Jackson after he opened a door to the exercise yard and climbed over the fence. They were searching all over Camden County when they spotted the 25-year-old Jackson attempting to climb back over the fence.

Sheriff's deputies found 14 packs of cigarettes that they believe Jackson stole from a nearby convenience store. Although Jackson now faces charged of breaking out of jail and burglary, officers are still confused.

"I've heard of jail breaks," said Camden County Sheriff Tommy Gregory, "but I've never heard of anyone trying to break back in." He noted that any convicts that escape in the future can "feel free to use the front door" when they decide to return.

Drunky wants a hug
Police in Ann Arbor, Mich., announced that they arrested a drunken man who cursed an officer who refused to give him a hug. The man had allegedly been yelling at people and walking in the street when officers responded to the scene.

He approached a patrol car and asked for the hug, then yelled at the officer who denied the request. He was blocking traffic the entire time.

Police arrested the man, but felt kind of bad about the incident.

"I know what it's like to need a hug," the hug-blocking officer said, "but policy strictly prohibits us to hand shakes, agreeable nods and high fives."

Psychic fraud
Charles Silveira of Seaford, Long Island, is suing Ava Miller of Mendham, N.J., for defrauding him of $250,000. Silveira claims that he paid Miller, a psychic, to craft a golden statue for him that was supposed to ward off negativity. He also wants her removed from a $700,000 house he bought for her in 2008.

Silviera claims he met her online in 2007 and made large cash payments to her over several months. He noted that while being scammed has been rough, the betrayal has been worse.

"I always asked her to keep me informed of impending disasters," he said. "And with her powers, she had to see this one coming!"

The case of the angry owl
Trees and rocks have long been clear and present dangers to any snow skier, but skiers in Bangor, Maine, now have a new danger to face: a great horned owl. Owls are believed to have attacked eight skiers and several dogs in the last three weeks, flying down with outstretched talons and bonking them on the head.

Bangor City Forester Brian Dugas has placed warning signs on all three entrances to the Rolly F. Perry City Forest to alert skiers to the threat of owl attacks. But even the warnings aren't enough to prevent the silent attacks that send skiers into a frenzy of screaming and waving ski poles.

"I always thought it was funny to watch owls hunt on the Discovery Channel, with their giant heads and silly hoots," said Jim Allen, a victim of the attacks. "But it ain't funny when you're the mouse, man."