Two Arrested for Break-ins, Drugs

Compiled and Ridiculed by Joel Frady

Environmental Pollutors
State environmental regulators in Vancouver, Wash., have been trying to locate the source of pollution that has been disturbing Burnt Bridge Creek near Vancouver Lake. After an investigation, they determined that they are, in fact, the perpetrators.

City workers discovered the office building's sewer line was connected to a storm drain instead of the municipal sewer main, meaning that waste from the office of the Department of Ecology and the Department of Fish and Game has traveled directly into the creek.

Jay Manning, director of the environmental agency, said that the discovery was "embarrassing and upsetting" and that, in the future, he will make sure that his stuff doesn't stink before looking at everyone else's.

Hire Me!
Pasha Stocking of East Hampton, Conn., is like many struggling Americans: a single mother who has been laid off from her job. But while most people look for jobs by reading classifieds and sending out lots of resumes, Stocking has taken her search to the next level by renting a billboard on the side of the highway.

The billboard has a picture of Stocking and a link to her web site, which she hopes will help her find a position in marketing, design or being an executive assistant.

Stocking said that the sign has led several potential employers to contact her and now she wants to make her billboard more specific. Instead of reading "Hire Me!" in big letters, it will now read: Hire Me! And no, I'm not an escort.

Rambo and Arrows
Alcohol and an attractive woman led to a reckless crime, and a felony criminal damage to property charge, for a 30-year-old man in Burnsville, Minn. Police said that the man was arrested on Saturday in his apartment complex after he began firing arrows at the homes of his neighbors.

Police found arrows in the siding of several townhomes and one that went through a patio door, shattering the door's glass. Police said that the man was trying to impress a lady, and that both were "extremely intoxicated" when they were questioned by police.

The woman said that her friend wanted to "play Rambo." The man later admitted that he shot the arrows "for giggles."

Police encouraged other people trying to elicit giggles to stick to less destructive methods like placing buckets of water over doors or the old curling iron-on-the-doorknob routine.

Bad luck? Kill a Snake
The baseball team at Palm Harbor University High School in Palm Harbor, Fla., had been experiencing a tough losing streak when their head coach told them that they were "snake bitten" and needed to win a game.
Players considered working harder in practice to get better on the field, but later decided to fight the cause of their bad luck by allegedly buying, and then killing, a snake. The team's second basemen said that they then buried the snake on the school's baseball field, but their coach was not present.

A Pinellas County Schools spokeswoman said that the coach has been temporarily relieved of his duties while authorities investigate the incident. The coach, in turn, has stated that he does not condone the useless killing of animals and, if his team is indeed that superstitious, he would have much preferred that his team simply craft Voodoo dolls of opposing teams and stab them in the arms during the games.